Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
