and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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