And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
