he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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