Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
