there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
