I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
