i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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