I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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