im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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