You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
