so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
