He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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