Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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