I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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