I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
