i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
