i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
