Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
