Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
