I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
