I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
