I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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