My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
