the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
