You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
