im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
