Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
it hurts more in the daytime
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
