I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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