so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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