so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
