Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
