I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
