omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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