Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
