Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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