pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
