He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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