i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
