So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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