my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
