Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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