So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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