I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
