My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
