Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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