shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I'm really busy with my period
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