i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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