I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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