Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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