we have pet lesbian snakes
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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