There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
