I could have mohawked her pubes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
