Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize