I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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