i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize