let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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