at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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