Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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