you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
