Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
