From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
