this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
